When Accepting Help is a Greater Kindness than Offering It

When I was a senior in high school, I was in in a serious automobile accident with many of my family members that left me ventilator dependent and paralyzed from the neck down. I learned a very valuable lesson when I was still in the hospital rehabilitating after my injury.  Having heard about our tragic accident, friends, family, and strangers all wanted to help me and my family.  My mother was struggling with how to accept the abundant outpouring of generosity, and one of her friends took her to task over her reluctance to do so.  Sherry explained that when people witness something horrific, they want to do something to help, and graciously accepting what they offer helps those people to feel better.  In other words, by allowing people to offer whatever assistance they could, my mother would be doing them a kindness.

When there is no cure, people want to help in whatever way they can.

Perhaps it was the fact that I was exhausted by fighting for my life, and then struggling to regain strength in my body which had been physically wrecked, while simultaneously being depleted of its energy stores by the trauma it had undergone, but I was able to accept the kindnesses offered by friends and strangers alike without too much pause.  However, I would like to think that somehow everything I had gone through had given me the maturity to have the same insight Sherry shared with my mom.  When my mom told me what Sherry had said, I instantly knew that I had been feeling the truth of her words resonating on a visceral level.

At the end of the day, it truly comes down to another simple truth: life is hard, and none of us can endure it alone.

While I like to believe that I was able to graciously accept others generosity because of this insight being instinctive, rather than an inability to protest, I do know that hearing Sherry's wisdom aloud, helped me to begin one of my frequent intellectual journeys.  I started thinking about what my accident might cause others to feel: fear at how easily things like this can happen, when we all like to believe that we are invincible, and that the bad things happen to other people, not ourselves.  It must become more difficult to maintain this fantasy when somebody close goes and breaks her neck!  Confronting such a reality might also create guilt at feeling thankful that it happened to somebody else, not oneself. 

The generosity offered up to me inspired me to consider the empathy which drives such acts of kindness. When witnessing horrific situations—I would never be able to walk again, and many aspects of my life had instantly become exponentially more difficult—humans are compelled to try and fix what has been broken.  When there is no cure, people want to help in whatever way they can.  In regard to my family's car accident, we were met with an array of gifts, tokens, financial assistance, as well as both emotional, and physical support.  When people hear about, or see, my situation, and they feel compelled to give something of themselves, what better course is there for me to pursue than to accept whatever they offer with a smile and a thankful heart?

Moving forward, and out of the acute phase of my recovery, I have tried to maintain the wisdom I learned during those early days.  I have come to know that graciously ACCEPTING someone's kindness can be an even GREATER kindness, as it helps the bestower to feel better emotionally, allows that individual to contribute to a solution, and provides a sense of power in our world where we are largely powerless.

I have also come to understand this wisdom from the other side as I have struggled to have my own attempts at providing help rejected.  While my offers may come from a heartfelt place and a true desire to make someone's life better, the hurt I feel when it is not accepted has verified the truth that Sherry shared so many years ago like nothing else could—having my help accepted makes me feel better in a multitude of ways.  At the end of the day, it truly comes down to another simple truth: life is hard, and none of us can endure it alone.  People need one another in order to succeed; we can only survive together by offering and accepting one another's aid.

The boys doing me a kindness by "helping me" help them decorate for Christmas… And getting a little silly in the process!

The generosity of those who helped my family when I was first hurt, and have persisted in doing so over the years, will continue to fill my heart with love and hope that is even more cherished than the original gestures, which are likewise treasured in and of themselves.  Thank you to all of the kind hearts and generous souls whom I have had the privilege of meeting and knowing.